For all things bright and beautiful!


Why are you such an asshole?

So the other day I was asked that very question and my first reaction was one of horror. Lucky me for me, being dark and it being at night; I’m sure the look on my face was grotesque. It was a bit of “Little Johnny Roger, how’s your father” kind of moment.

Anyway, as is customary, I immediately began to analyze the question searching for what society would deem a fitting response. I resisted the urge to throw a sarcastic quip just to knock her off balance but I realized it wasn’t her fault. As I looked deeper for the answer, this all happening in a split second, I thought back at what I had done in the moments leading up to this less than glamorous accusation. My brain was in over drive.

Then I narrowed my potential answers down to four.


  • I could be an asshole because I was in unfamiliar territory and was just trying to get to the social plateau that the majority people tend to congregate. But then what self-respecting man hides behind arrogance and petulance in awkward moments, justifying them as a “defense mechanism”? I mean really, who does that?
  • Ah crap, I’ve bin busted. Dammit! OMG you know me so well that you can tell when I’m being an asshole. Wait, you don’t. Not everyone I know has had the extremely uncomfortable pleasure of learning to judge a book by its cover. We’ve been taught all our lives not to do so but yet we do.

I will not coat my words with lumps of sugar
But serve them to our people with the bitter quinine.

- Frank Chipasula

All those facades and smoke screens we put up in orders to convince ourselves, but more importantly those around us are exactly that, bollocks and baby Mellons. And war stories and f***ings don’t cut it either.

  • The third possible answer was that someone had done something (and continues to do so) that pisses me off every time. That person really, really gets to the snarky, snide, asshole side and has no choice but to clap back. By my own admission, I have my moments, which are often uncalled for but always calculated. Nobody is ever on the receiving end without due reason (even if indirectly, just don’t take it personally, its just business).

Columbo see me and wanna lock it,

But I’m mutombo when i see imma block it!

- Beatz Galaw

  • That I’ve bin through a whole lotta shit, shit that I’m even afraid to admit to myself. Maybe when I’m a little older. But I had to grow up faster than most, but that’s no excuse and it’d be rude for me compare what I went through to anyone else’s life. I learnt from my peers that there is a whole world that we never see but sooner or later it’ll come knocking and if you don’t recognize it WAKWARA. All that teaches you is huge self-awareness and where you fit into the ZIM Asset doc of life. Your learn to not just protect but project. Sounds like some inception shit but its true. Try it one day. You have greater command of you surroundings than you realize.


I’m a writer so I like to think of myself as a ebony hued Hank Moody, bar the fame, success, temperamental baby mama, outta control young’un, banged up stallion, broken head board and mentally gesticulating best friend (no I got that last one). That’s the great thing about the imagination, I could be going insane but who cares? I live life with my heart on my sleeve and my pet dragon feeding the furnace in my soul. I never say sorry unless I mean it. If I did then I’m sorry coz I didn’t mean it (oops, my bad, I did it again).

So to sign off, what I can say is of the four, only one is completely true and correct, there’s a second that partly true but if you blink you’ll miss it. Through all the pandemonium it always seems that I always feel like shit before I feel better, but when I do, I always come out a better person. Like I said its not your fault but there’s still so much more to what we see everyday. Life is just one massive Kansas City shuffle and sometimes you think you’re the main character but you’re really just the one opening the curtains for the show.

P.S. Got chills from the least likely source, well at least for me





Take notes kids: this is how you sell a crappy car (Video)

Originally posted on theCHIVE:

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